Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
