$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
