He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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