Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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