I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
