i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
