Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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