tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
