Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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