Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
