I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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