my phone needs a breathalizer
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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