did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
