Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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