Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
