Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
