the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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