yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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