u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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