Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have already put on my inside pants.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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