I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
