Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
