How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
