I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
