I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
