How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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