sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
