They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
