I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
