my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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