I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
