Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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