So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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