Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
