I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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