I just cut my nipple shaving
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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