I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
