I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
