her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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