some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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