so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
