Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
