xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
