Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
