Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I party with great urgency now.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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