Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
