I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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