so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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