my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
