I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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