We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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