i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
