Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
